Less Than Three...

   

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   When I first started this blog, I wanted to focus on films that were enjoyable, memorable cinema. Now that I've hit 50 posts, I wanted to pause and reflect. I want to keep focusing on great films, but in the hopes I can help people avoid some truly awful films, I've made a list of the worst ten films I've seen in the past few months. In an effort to give terrible cinema no more attention than it deserves, I've only taken a few sentences for each to comment on what went so wrong. I'm a little late to the game with a few of these, but better late than never, right?



1. The Lazarus Effect - Bringing together one of the best casts in recent memory; Olivia Wilde, Mark Duplass, Evan Peters and Donald Glover and then absolutely wasting their talents in this ultra-low budget, one-set piece, piece of garbage is a worse crime than the illogical, stupid and insulting script that fails to say anything of substance. A boring, lifeless and completely unoriginal horror film that feels like a lifetime at only 83 minutes.

2. Dumb and Dumber To - While I have my own issues with the original, it's at least a gut-busting comedy that was wholly original when it was released. It's slowly become a comedy classic, and it rightly deserves to be. This pointless retread offers nothing new, is overtly offensive for no reason, and wastes Jim Carrey, who seems to be the only cast member trying to entertain the audience. Shame on you, Farrelly Brothers. Shame on you.

3. The Guest - Imagine my surprise when this supposed 'homage to 80's horror' turns out to be a pointless, lurid, cruel and cynical film about nothing but a deranged killer bent on killing everyone around him. It asks a hundred questions about it's killer and answers none. And the killer? A straight faced blonde dude who dislikes bad manners. At least with the horror films of the eighties, the killers were in on the joke. Missing the mark by a mile, the only thing horrific about The Guest is that it exists.

4. The Maze Runner - A mysterious hero, savage beasts, an unseen force controlling our protagonists' existence and a massive, unbeatable maze. What does it all mean? I have no idea, and neither did the team behind The Maze Runner. A pointless, boring and unoriginal mess.

5. The Gambler - I almost didn't include this. Wahlberg gives it his all and Goodman is deliciously evil as a loan shark. But unnecessary visuals, a meandering script and a tone of entitlement sink this completely unnecessary and unentertaining misfire.

6. Horrible Bosses 2 - I'll be honest. I broke the critics code with this one. After not laughing at these bumbling idiots for over an hour I walked. What amounts to a cinematic mugging, Horrible Bosses 2 leaves the viewer like the audience in Billy Madison after the eponymous character makes his case: "what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

7. Life of Crime - Based on "The Switch" by Elmore Leonard, known for such definitive works as 3:10 to Yuma, Out of Sight, Get Shorty and Jackie Brown, this self-absorbed cavalcade of crap puts Leonard to shame. Nonsensical, annoying, disgusting and pointless, this banal mess isn't worth the celluloid it's developed on. And it underuses Will Forte. Will Forte; the most underrated funny-man in the business.

8. Bad Words - In his first directorial effort Jason Bateman takes everything audiences like about him - his everyman status, his quick witted diatribes, heartfelt moments and underrated handsomeness and throws it to the wind. Bateman's pathetic Guy Trilby is mean, cruel and insanely creepy; he spends most of the film getting a nine year old drunk. Bateman's Trilby is like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs, except the audience is supposed to root for him. Bad Words is one of the most insane miscalculations I've ever seen an actor make. Stick to working in front of the camera, Bateman.

9. The Other Woman - What could have been a groundbreaking feminist statement comes off as vapid, insanely misogynistic and backwards. Directed by Nick Casavettes, known for decent and politically astute work like John Q and Alpha Dog here directs like an out of touch drunk uncle at thanksgiving, ranting about how "women have ruined his life." No Nick, I think it's the Jim Beam. Not only do Mann and Diaz offend feminists and women alike with their patriarchy enforcing performances, but all of humanity. Dumb, void of morals and astoundingly bad.

10. The Four Seasons - I'm reaching way back here, but this takes the cake for one of the worst films I have ever seen. Alan Alda, one of the nicest guys in hollywood, and celebrated intellectual, makes a worse calculation than proponents of the luminiferous aether theory, in this meandering, close-minded diatribe on aging and marriage. Pretty much an excuse for Alda to go on vacation with his hollywood buddies, this runs more like a documentary of a modern Marie Antoinette screaming "let them eat cake" at an impoverished audience while the rich, white and patriarchal couples run about, accomplishing nothing. With a cast including Alda, Carol Burnett and Len Carlou, this should have been a classic. Instead it comes off as a rich brat, running their mouth about how their 380 foot yacht doesn't get wifi who doesn't have a good enough friend to tell them to shut the hell up. We can forgive Alan Alda, the man is a saint, but that doesn't mean we'll ever forget.


I probably won't post about awful films until I write another 50 posts, unless something truly awful comes along. Until then, keep it Three and Above!